George sucks and this will be the last time I mention him. Completely misled on his character, and have since been brought to my senses. In future, will not! be so easily enamoured by random boys who show the slightest bit of interest. I am better than that. Or at least I should be and so I’ve decided from now on! – I AM!
In other news, I cannot BEAR working at this company anymore. I am so tired. My timetable is a bitch because we’re on a rota and so my shifts are all over the place. One day I’m closing (5pm-11pm) and the next, I’m doing 12pm-6pm. It doesn’t sound horrible but I have to squeeze in sleep and food and don’t really have time for much else. I also have started really dreading work. When I get there, I feel like I’m leaving some of my soul behind. I hate it.
I haven’t mentioned it on this blog as of yet but I took the year-old advice my therapist gave me and went to see a career advisor. She’s brilliant, I’ve been seeing her since February now? and I’ve decided the course I want to take, and the unis I want to apply to. I’m going to start writing my personal statement now. Hopefully, I’m going to get in for this september.
In other related news, I also applied to an apprenticeship at a very well-known and respected company. It’s a year long and they will actually pay me more than I earn now. And I’ll get a qualification for it too which is brilliant. And I won’t be in debt. But I won’t get the freedom or the uni experience. So idk.
I’ll see after I know what my options are. I’ve only just applied.
But that’s all.
So. about George. I haven’t seen him in a week already and I won’t be seeing him until next week and I was thinking about Valentines and about how my love life is D.O.A. and then it clicked. All two of my friends are on tinder, I SHOULD JOIN TOO!
And at first, I was being a little stiff, it’s just such a bizarre situation. It was like I was interviewing them, i’m so bad at flirting. But now I just say whatever nonsense I’m thinking and this tactic has been working really well! I’m actually talking to about 3 different guys right now.
There was also a guy early on who was SO cute and we matched. I said hi, and he unmatched me! I know it was just one guy and whatever but it really hurt my feelings lol. But then! there’s been another guy who is really so, so cute and I said that to him! (I can’t believe how bold I am sometimes) and he said THANKS and then he said i’m FUCKING GORGEOUS too. I’m still talking to him.
In conclusion: CUTE BOYS think I am cute. MULTIPLE boys. This isn’t an anomaly, this is just fact. I’m CUTE. i’m good enough for some of the cutest boys i’ve ever seen. like, cute to the point where i’d be too intimidated to be in the same room as irl. Like, I’d look away, get out of their way straight away. I hadn’t even considered that they might like me. THEY LIKE ME. I’M CUTE.
This has been a huge accidental boost to my self-esteem lol.
Love from Carter xx
i’m back at a slightly more reasonable time to update you on the George situation. So, yesterday I had the same shift as him and I was running a little late so I couldn’t speak to him before we had to start working but I didn’t have to stress for long! I got told to open a till, the one right at the end and he was refilling something and as I walked past him, he said hello to me and waved and aaaah. I was happy. I was a little confused because I thought he was upset with me but I couldn’t care less if he was smiling at me like that.
So he got put onto a till too, nowhere near me unfortunately but at some point, he was doing something behind me and he said hello again, and I told him i thought he was avoiding me and he said “I would never” which sounds kinda sarcastic reading it but he sort of whispered it to me, he was just so sweet and ugh. Brb, melting.
And every time I would pass him, or the other way around, he would say something, make a little joke, which I thought was really sweet. Near the end of our shifts (it honestly even makes me happy to write “our”, i’m such a loser), i got put onto the till next to his and i mean, we’re busy people, busy working and so we can’t really chit chat (especially when the store is about to close) but we were sharing a stapler. And at one point, I asked for it, and he gave it to me and he touched my hand and I didn’t stop thinking about it for like an hour. I’m still thinking about it! and it’s been a day!
The happy ending to the day that I wanted was unfortunately postponed because everyone had to stay and do overtime for a bit and he somehow got out of it so he left earlier than i did.
So now it’s monday and I have to work in kidswear which is upstairs. So i’m not even working on the same floor as him. It’s only a week but still. I’ll see him tomorrow. I tried to search his name up on social media but he has like 5 names and I’m not sure which combination of names he would use on facebook etc. Does he even have facebook? I don’t know.
As the title suggests, i’m lost. In life. I finished high school 2 months ago, now? What do I do? I know what I want to do. I know what I can’t.
But this post is actually about something a little smaller. A lot smaller actually. I want to watch films. This is a definite thing, I definitely want to be a (even bigger) serious film nerd. My media teacher had suggested that I make a blog, reviewing films because I had reviewed a film on this other website. So I finally took her advice and went to make a blog.
I went on wordpress first, because I like the layout and design better than blogspot. I thought I knew what url i wanted but it was taken – (isn’t that always the case?), so I tried a bunch of other urls, some of which were available but it didn’t feel right, you know? It didn’t feel like /me/.
I don’t know if my viewership (consisting currently of one person who I assumed wandered onto my blog by accident) has watched Girlboss, a netflix show about NastyGal creator Sophia Amoruso but she had a similar problem. She spent absolute ages trying to figure out something that clicked for her. She even settled for something else before she found /the one/.
I need to find my /the one/ and then you, my one-person audience, can take a look at the best side of me – in comparison to this blog, which would definitely be the worst side of me. 🙂
Catch you l8r, alligator
The title says it all really. I am so, so angry. The incident happened hours (and a lengthy nap) ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m not going to hash it out with all the details because I’m a paranoid little shit and I think the person who this revolves around might read it. Despite my readership consisting mainly of myself. Whatever.
So this guy, this… guy. ugh. I can’t even think properly. We have a bit of a mixed relationship. When I first met him, I thought he was pretty interesting. Then the next few times I saw him, I was feeling so confused on how I feel about him. Do I think he’s a nice person? No? Is he annoying? Is he mean? I don’t know. Since then, either he has mellowed out or I have become used to him because now, I do genuinely like him, I think he’s great.
Until today obviously.
Do you know someone who makes you feel dumb? Or ugly? Or something else negative? That’s kind of how this guy made me feel today. Not dumb exactly, just not good enough even though I am trying my best.
Why am I so angry though? I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. I’m usually a really mellow, happy go lucky person. When I do get angry, I just talk myself out of it. He made me feel like shit.
I still feel like shit.
Do I have anger management problems? ughghhh. I don’t even know. There is clearly something wrong with me if I’m still stewing with anger. Is that a phrase?
I don’t know.
15th March 2016
As promised, here’s the letter I’ve been wanting to write since Friday, when I watched St Elmo’s Fire for the first time. As you may know, St Elmo’s Fire is famous for having many actors from “The Brat Pack” and that is one of the reasons I watched it. The others being:
- I like movies for teenage audiences.
- I like contemporary films.
- I like old movies for teenage audiences.
- I think people underestimate their acting skills.
Like I said, I like films for a teenage audience because I am a teen and I can relate to being pretty old in kid-ages and not yet old enough in adult-ages. You may have noticed that there has been a revival in those movies in recent ages with The Hunger Games, The Fault in Our Stars and how could we forget; Twilight. The thing I hate, hate, hate about these films is that:
- Most, if not all, dystopian films/books that have come out recently are shit. I get that The Hunger Games is interesting because of the way it parallels to the real world situation with people being misled and so on, but one good point does not a good story make. The first one was enjoyable, the rest – not so much. (If you’re looking for a dystopian book, I can’t recommend the Unwind Dystology enough.)
- Most teen movies/films are too romance-fuelled. I’m a complete romantic but I get tired and bored of all these books that have such an interesting premise (and apparently nothing to do with romance) and then you start reading, and it’s horrible to see the main characters falling for each other and becoming the main plot line. If I wanted a sweet romantic story, and I do quite a lot, then I’ll go to the romance shelf. (Recommendation for a sweet and romantic story: Anna and the French Kiss.)
- The thing that bothers me most, I think, is when it’s simplified because it’s got a teen audience. By that, I mean, the teens in most teen books or movies don’t ever swear. They don’t ever come across drugs and they most definitely don’t have sex. Reality check, they do! And it’s okay if your characters don’t have sex, or don’t do drugs or swear themselves but to completely eradicate it is ridiculous.
That last point is a major reason why I turn to 80’s teen films in particular. I love how dimensional these characters. It is amazing to see how crude some characters can be because modern filmmakers are just too afraid to put some swearing or vulgar language in their movies and it’s not realistic.
The other thing I think is important is that film makers in the 80’s seemed to respect their teen counterparts alot more than they do right now. And that comes across in their storylines too. I think if you go too far back (and also out of the teen genre), you can see that the plotlines are really, really simple, almost to a comedic effect. The 70’s-80’s is where the filmmakers have hit the sweet spot in creating really real storylines that we can relate to.
There’s not a particular reason why, but I honestly think the 80’s teen genre is so much more authentic to the real life experience of being a teen. And it really says something that someone who would not have fitted in, in those films or in that time, can still relate to it almost 40 years after they’ve created these films. Whenever I watch an old teen film, I feel so much. That’s what you really want, don’t you? To feel.
14th March 2016
I’ve been meaning to do about three other posts; busy, busy weekend but I’m going to talk about my face today.
I picked up my new glasses today, about an hour ago. I love these glasses but the thing is, it’s really similar to my old glasses. A slightly different shape and a different colour. The entire week I had been anticipating these new glasses, I thought these new glasses were going to change and complete my look, my face. I know, I know, it’s completely ridiculous.
Safe to say, it didn’t do that. I still love them. But it’s pointless trying to put all this pressure on this one pair of glasses. Sometimes I wish I could pick apart different pieces of me, chopping and swapping it for something better. My hair, my nose, my stomach. Not hate, no. Just hopelessness.
And I know, trust me I know. It’s getting boring to hear just about everyone coming and out and complaining about their appearance. But it’s just so hard. Well, if anything makes me feel better, it’s this:
- I’m still pretty young. There’s a strong possibility, or at least lots of hope, that I’ll grow into my face.
- If you think back to 2010 and everyone and their dad was watching Britain’s Got Talent or X-Factor. Have you noticed how different people looked in the final compared to the auditions? It’s not achievable by myself or affordable, I think. But it lends a certain comfort knowing that if I had a make up artist fawning over me, I’d look really good too.
Here’s to looking good in the (hopefully nearby) future. Or atleast, being okay with how non-model and normal-people I am haha.