The title says it all really. I am so, so angry. The incident happened hours (and a lengthy nap) ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m not going to hash it out with all the details because I’m a paranoid little shit and I think the person who this revolves around might read it. Despite my readership consisting mainly of myself. Whatever.
So this guy, this… guy. ugh. I can’t even think properly. We have a bit of a mixed relationship. When I first met him, I thought he was pretty interesting. Then the next few times I saw him, I was feeling so confused on how I feel about him. Do I think he’s a nice person? No? Is he annoying? Is he mean? I don’t know. Since then, either he has mellowed out or I have become used to him because now, I do genuinely like him, I think he’s great.
Until today obviously.
Do you know someone who makes you feel dumb? Or ugly? Or something else negative? That’s kind of how this guy made me feel today. Not dumb exactly, just not good enough even though I am trying my best.
Why am I so angry though? I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. I’m usually a really mellow, happy go lucky person. When I do get angry, I just talk myself out of it. He made me feel like shit.
I still feel like shit.
Do I have anger management problems? ughghhh. I don’t even know. There is clearly something wrong with me if I’m still stewing with anger. Is that a phrase?
I don’t know.
15th March 2016
As promised, here’s the letter I’ve been wanting to write since Friday, when I watched St Elmo’s Fire for the first time. As you may know, St Elmo’s Fire is famous for having many actors from “The Brat Pack” and that is one of the reasons I watched it. The others being:
- I like movies for teenage audiences.
- I like contemporary films.
- I like old movies for teenage audiences.
- I think people underestimate their acting skills.
Like I said, I like films for a teenage audience because I am a teen and I can relate to being pretty old in kid-ages and not yet old enough in adult-ages. You may have noticed that there has been a revival in those movies in recent ages with The Hunger Games, The Fault in Our Stars and how could we forget; Twilight. The thing I hate, hate, hate about these films is that:
- Most, if not all, dystopian films/books that have come out recently are shit. I get that The Hunger Games is interesting because of the way it parallels to the real world situation with people being misled and so on, but one good point does not a good story make. The first one was enjoyable, the rest – not so much. (If you’re looking for a dystopian book, I can’t recommend the Unwind Dystology enough.)
- Most teen movies/films are too romance-fuelled. I’m a complete romantic but I get tired and bored of all these books that have such an interesting premise (and apparently nothing to do with romance) and then you start reading, and it’s horrible to see the main characters falling for each other and becoming the main plot line. If I wanted a sweet romantic story, and I do quite a lot, then I’ll go to the romance shelf. (Recommendation for a sweet and romantic story: Anna and the French Kiss.)
- The thing that bothers me most, I think, is when it’s simplified because it’s got a teen audience. By that, I mean, the teens in most teen books or movies don’t ever swear. They don’t ever come across drugs and they most definitely don’t have sex. Reality check, they do! And it’s okay if your characters don’t have sex, or don’t do drugs or swear themselves but to completely eradicate it is ridiculous.
That last point is a major reason why I turn to 80’s teen films in particular. I love how dimensional these characters. It is amazing to see how crude some characters can be because modern filmmakers are just too afraid to put some swearing or vulgar language in their movies and it’s not realistic.
The other thing I think is important is that film makers in the 80’s seemed to respect their teen counterparts alot more than they do right now. And that comes across in their storylines too. I think if you go too far back (and also out of the teen genre), you can see that the plotlines are really, really simple, almost to a comedic effect. The 70’s-80’s is where the filmmakers have hit the sweet spot in creating really real storylines that we can relate to.
There’s not a particular reason why, but I honestly think the 80’s teen genre is so much more authentic to the real life experience of being a teen. And it really says something that someone who would not have fitted in, in those films or in that time, can still relate to it almost 40 years after they’ve created these films. Whenever I watch an old teen film, I feel so much. That’s what you really want, don’t you? To feel.
14th March 2016
I’ve been meaning to do about three other posts; busy, busy weekend but I’m going to talk about my face today.
I picked up my new glasses today, about an hour ago. I love these glasses but the thing is, it’s really similar to my old glasses. A slightly different shape and a different colour. The entire week I had been anticipating these new glasses, I thought these new glasses were going to change and complete my look, my face. I know, I know, it’s completely ridiculous.
Safe to say, it didn’t do that. I still love them. But it’s pointless trying to put all this pressure on this one pair of glasses. Sometimes I wish I could pick apart different pieces of me, chopping and swapping it for something better. My hair, my nose, my stomach. Not hate, no. Just hopelessness.
And I know, trust me I know. It’s getting boring to hear just about everyone coming and out and complaining about their appearance. But it’s just so hard. Well, if anything makes me feel better, it’s this:
- I’m still pretty young. There’s a strong possibility, or at least lots of hope, that I’ll grow into my face.
- If you think back to 2010 and everyone and their dad was watching Britain’s Got Talent or X-Factor. Have you noticed how different people looked in the final compared to the auditions? It’s not achievable by myself or affordable, I think. But it lends a certain comfort knowing that if I had a make up artist fawning over me, I’d look really good too.
Here’s to looking good in the (hopefully nearby) future. Or atleast, being okay with how non-model and normal-people I am haha.
11th March 2016
(And also to that one anonymous reader who replied “yes, they would like to read what I told my therapist”)
This is now my third draft of the same letter. It’s weird – even though this blog is anonymous and nothing in it ties it to me, the person behind the monitor, I don’t want to spill certain things. It will come out eventually. All in due time, child.
I’ve settled on telling you something that’s normal. So normal, you probably talk about this to your friends all the time. That being L-O-V-E. God, I cringed even as I wrote that. But yeah, my therapist bought this up and I realised I haven’t had a crush in two years now. That is a ridiculous amount of time.
One on hand, my illness makes it hard for me to socialise. I don’t even have friends because I don’t want to tell anyone about it or risk them finding out. Having a relationship is out of the question for the sake of my dignity. Also, I’m not the most attractive person out there. I’d say I’m average; a 6. A strong 8 when my hair doesn’t look like a bird’s nest on my head. I wouldn’t want to embarrass this person that I probably like very much. Thirdly, my therapist has told me numerous times that I have a predisposition to stay clear of any relationships, romantic or otherwise, because people have a history of letting me down.
On the other hand, wouldn’t that be great? The constant affirmation that “yes, you look good”. Someone that you could take as your plus one anywhere. Someone to talk to when you’re bored, and not. Someone to share your experiences with. Or someone to gush to when you really like something. Someone that really cares about you.
I feel sad, in a nostalgic way, when I think about my dry period of love. I miss having butterflies. I miss it when that person looked your way and you were like “Oh my god, they looked at me.” Has my heart switched off its romantic side? Can that happen? Please, do find out and let me know asap.
10th March 2016
I’m breaking my own rule here, I’m going to tell you about me.
I go to therapy in school. I hadn’t even known there’s a therapist in school but apparently that’s a secret saved only for the most messed up kids. Not that I’m messed up but there’s a certain something in knowing that exclusive little secret.
Part of the reason I like therapy is probably because the narcissist side of me loves it. Why wouldn’t I? Talking about myself for an hour. That’s brilliant. It’s the same reason I’m writing in this blog. I love talking. And I especially love talking about myself.
The more major reason is because it’s therapy, for god’s sake. It’s so useful to see points from an alternate POV. It’s strange. Even as I’m telling my therapist things, I can see how she’s seeing it. Imagine seeing everything in your life from a third-person perspective, how useful that would be. No loyalty or intimidation to anyone or anything.
I actually just got out of therapy 15 minutes ago. Would you like to hear what we discussed?