do adults have crushes?

Dear Ginny,

The last time I wrote a blog post, it was about 2 weeks into my job. It’s now been about 2 months, almost three and while my feelings haven’t completely flip-flopped, i do feel a lot better about it. I know more about how to do my job, and I know more of the people I work with.

Recently, there’s been a big change and this has been fundamental to my growing attachment to my job. When I was hired, I was put in the smallest department – the kidswear. While the department you get put into seems to be kind of random, I have since realised that this department has a reputation for having the newest and unskilled workers. Definitely not everyone, but that’s the reputation it has.

And as of the 1st January, I am no longer in that department. Hip-hip-hooray. Even better news, instead leveling up to menswear, i’ve hit the jackpot by being transferred to ladieswear. This department is the biggest and busiest. I was very intimidated at first, but I’ve since come to the realisation that this is the reason I love working there. It’s so fast-paced, and exciting to be around. Another perk is that there are more cashiers in this department, which means I don’t feel quite so lonely.

*cough cough* this is where the title comes in. There’s a boy has the same job as me. He used to be in menswear but he was transferred to ladieswear at the same time as I was. Before this, I had only had a few interactions with him, and they were very work-based. Like, only if I had to speak to him. Tbh, I got the feeling that he didn’t like me very much even though I literally had only spoken to him only 2 or 3 times.

But being in ladieswear together, sometimes we have to solve problems together (it sounds like we’re in maths or something) or one of us will need help and the other will offer it. So, we spoke to each other. Not quite friendly, but civil, you know?

Last week, (it’s only been a week?!?) we both had to stay back to help and we were both a little tired and giggly and not really in the mood for working (we both had long shifts and it was late at night ok??) and we started… talking. You know what i’m talking about. You know. Talking. Flirting a little.

And since then, we still talk. Not a lot, because our job doesn’t exactly leave a lot of time to be talking, but we do talk. And every time he starts his shift and he sees me, he says hello to me specifically and it makes me feel happy and butterfly-y. You know.

BUT, pause, the reason why I’m typing up a blog post at 2.26am. Two days ago, when his shift finished, I was going on my break and I wanted to see him but also play it cool because we’re not actually that close really. So I thought I’d go get food from Pret and as I came out of the girls locker room, he was standing in the corridor talking to another girl, facing me. And as soon as he saw me, he got this expression. I can’t remember it exactly, but my instinct said they were talking about me. I don’t know. What they could’ve been talking about. This other girl – we’ll call her Jade – is alright, I don’t know her that well but we say hi to each other and she seems friendly. I didn’t even know they knew each other.

So anyway, I have to go past them to get to Pret and as I reach them, he – I’ll call him George – jokingly/seriously asks for a hug, raises his arms and then immediately drops them. I was so confused and this definitely showed on my face. I think I may have looked confused/disgusted. And then Jade burst out laughing. I left. And I didn’t seem him again. Why. Why why why. would he do that. Why did I react like that. Everything about this situation confuses me.

So I had yesterday off and today, I had been moved to another department to cover someone the whole day. So I didn’t get to talk to him. I saw him coming to work and going on his break etc but that’s not the same at all. We were both finishing at the same time so I WAITED for him, but like in a cool way. I tried to make it seem like we had just accidentally come out the same way. Eventually I gave up and started walking and then I realised he was actually behind me. So I slowed down and he just WALKED past. WALKED PAST. WALKED PAST ME. as if he hadn’t seen me.

So he either doesn’t care enough about me to walk with me, or he actually didn’t see me (unlikely) or he does like me and he’s embarrassed about that hug thing.

How am I supposed to proceed? The other tiny thing is that he is older than me and a fully fledged adult. Unlike the author of this post, who is only a baby adult. I have the same shift as him tomorrow and then next week, I’m covering for someone in a different department the whole week so I’m almost guaranteed to not be able to see or speak to him. A whole week.

Sigh.

Love, Carter.

Advertisements

fuck me, this is a lot of work

Dear Ginny,

Where haas the time gone? Obviously quite a lot of things have happened but there’s two I want to discuss bc they are more important to me.

My closest friend, who I discussed quite a few personal things with, told me she liked me. I do not like her romantically and i let her know as gently as possible. It didn’t go well, we are no longer friends. But it has made me think of how I think of girls more, especially as a (cis) girl who, i guess, identifies as bi-curious. I think of girls sexually. As embarrassing and as perverted as it sounds, girls do turn me on. So do boys. I feel as though the amount of boys that turn me on is waay lower than the amount of girls. But on the other end, the romantic end, i think of boys more in a romantic way. To be clear, I hardly ever get romantic crushes but when they do happen, they almost always tend to be with a guy.

There are obviously alot of other things going on. My therapist has noted quite a few times that I shut people off so that they can’t disappoint me (what a cliche) and my first and only relationship was 6 years ago and ended when he cheated on me. Also my parents are separated and do not get along at all.

So now what? Am i bi? No? What about the way I feel about girls? Do I think about guys more, in a romantic sense bc of the “heternormative society”? Am I stopping myself from falling for a girl bc of my own hangups about being potentially bi? In the interest of being 100% honest, sometimes I do completely embrace being bi (as bi as a closeted person can be) and sometimes I feel so ASHAMED of myself. Note: my family is lovely but being gay is very much taboo and frowned upon in my culture.

I want to kiss girls and boys. I read this story once, a coming out story, about this girl who realised properly that she was gay when a girl kissed her. I keep thinking the same will happen to me. Maybe I need to kiss people to figure this out.

HELP.

Carter

help: friends needed

Dear Ginny,

I’ve been thinking about making friends alot recently, probably because my colitis has settled down FAR more than it was last year. I’ve done alot of cool, new things and I’m always doing something. The colitis doesn’t hold me back so much.

In this past fortnight alone, I’ve gone to school after having breakfast (It’s the first time I’ve done that in almost 3 years) AND I went to school when my colitis was acting up. Little things, but huuuge leaps out of my comfort zone.

I want to have friends to have fun with. The problem is that I feel selfish knowing that my colitis will probably pop up and i can’t force that onto people, right? I can’t do that.

How do you guys make friends? In school? I don’t have any friends I speak to outside of lessons. The thing is, because I took a year off and joined back, I don’t really have any experience with this group of people. When I started back at school, last year, if I was like I am right now, a lot more confident and open and happier, I think I would’ve been alot better at integrating myself into these groups. Have I missed my chance?

Help, please.

Carter