fuck me, this is a lot of work

Dear Ginny,

Where haas the time gone? Obviously quite a lot of things have happened but there’s two I want to discuss bc they are more important to me.

My closest friend, who I discussed quite a few personal things with, told me she liked me. I do not like her romantically and i let her know as gently as possible. It didn’t go well, we are no longer friends. But it has made me think of how I think of girls more, especially as a (cis) girl who, i guess, identifies as bi-curious. I think of girls sexually. As embarrassing and as perverted as it sounds, girls do turn me on. So do boys. I feel as though the amount of boys that turn me on is waay lower than the amount of girls. But on the other end, the romantic end, i think of boys more in a romantic way. To be clear, I hardly ever get romantic crushes but when they do happen, they almost always tend to be with a guy.

There are obviously alot of other things going on. My therapist has noted quite a few times that I shut people off so that they can’t disappoint me (what a cliche) and my first and only relationship was 6 years ago and ended when he cheated on me. Also my parents are separated and do not get along at all.

So now what? Am i bi? No? What about the way I feel about girls? Do I think about guys more, in a romantic sense bc of the “heternormative society”? Am I stopping myself from falling for a girl bc of my own hangups about being potentially bi? In the interest of being 100% honest, sometimes I do completely embrace being bi (as bi as a closeted person can be) and sometimes I feel so ASHAMED of myself. Note: my family is lovely but being gay is very much taboo and frowned upon in my culture.

I want to kiss girls and boys. I read this story once, a coming out story, about this girl who realised properly that she was gay when a girl kissed her. I keep thinking the same will happen to me. Maybe I need to kiss people to figure this out.

HELP.

Carter

c’mon marianne

Dear Ginny,

Well, it happened. The event that I’ve been looking forward to for /months/ finally came and it was every bit of perfection I had imagined it to be (even exceeding my expectations, to be perfectly honest).

I finally went to watch Jersey Boys! I do live in London so this was the West End version and oh, it was so good. I had been wanting to watch it since summer when I chose to watch The Spoils instead of Jersey Boys (stupid choice, hindsight’s 20/20). It was kind of an impulsive decision to buy the tickets too which makes it even more fun. I just didn’t want to wait any longer, especially because Jersey Boys is closing next year (boooo!).

This was my first time watching a musical live ever, and like with The Spoils, I went alone. The Piccadilly Theatre is so beautiful. The highlight, obviously, was the show. The day I went – the 12th of November – Dayle Hodge was playing Frankie Valli (there’s two understudies for Frankie and I think they take turns to do the Saturday matinee). His voice is /crazy/ good. Especially when coupled with Matt Hunt’s voice who plays Nick Massi. The other two Jersey Boys: Simon Bailey who plays a solid Tommy Devito and Declan Egan who is possibly my favourite Jersey Boy as Bob Gaudio.

The songs themselves ranged from more well-known songs like Sherry and December ’63 to songs that I hadn’t personally heard prior. What’s pretty cool is that they perform the songs during the events that inspired it. One of my favourite musical bits in the show is when the boys first sing together as a group, very casually just to test how they sound. Spoiler – they sound so beautiful.

The plot didn’t shy away from the tougher stuff like Tommy’s money issues or Frankie’s relationships breaking down. Even so, by the end of the musical, it was like a party in the theatre. I was thinking about it yesterday and I hadn’t realised this at the time – the fact that I felt included in this party and this environment despite me sitting alone in the second last row of the theatre. That’s not an easy thing to accomplish and I’d like to thank everybody that works on Jersey Boys for that.

I don’t know if this is typical of all West End musicals but I was very nicely surprised by all the little details and how in sync everything was. The way the boys would dance when they were singing and the rest of the company being so perfect with their movements. The lighting and the backdrop too. I think my all-time favourite moment is when the boys turn around and they use the backdrop to make it seem like we, the audience, are actually behind them on a stage. Like they’re on a stage performing to an audience on the other side. I’m hoping to get in a few more performances before Jersey Boys ends its run and I’d highly recommend you do the same 🙂

Carter

P.S at the end, when they pose in that signature Jersey Boys pose, it looked like Dayle Hodge was actually pointing at me! 😮 I know this is very unlikely because I must’ve been a little dot to him and that’s if he could see me at all lol but I thought that was a pretty special moment.

five, four…

Dear Ginny,

I don’t think I’ve told you this yet but I’m a media studies student. Right now, we’re making a music video as part of a group and I’ve gently nudged my group into doing my choice of song – Leon Bridges’ Better Man. I am the director and I’m honestly so excited about this.

Today was the first day of filming and there were a few hiccups (a few of our actors kept being obnoxiously loud in the public area that was our location and my co-director turned up two hours late high as a kite) but we got some really good footage. This time around with our group project, I was being very specific about how I wanted the video to look. (I’m the only actual director).

I don’t know why I’m writing this lol but I feel pretty proud of myself for managing to do some good work in all of that chaos.

I really like directing. There’s a little part of me that wants to be a director or something to do with movies but how do you break into something like that? Especially when it seems like you’ve kind of missed that stage of your life when you should’ve been setting yourself up for your career?

As always, any help or discussion would be appreciated. In the meantime, I’m going to continue feeling good about that minute or so of footage we shot today and concentrate on this extra awesome music video that I’m going to direct. 🙂

Carter

 

i am seething in anger

Dear Ginny,

The title says it all really. I am so, so angry. The incident happened hours (and a lengthy nap) ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m not going to hash it out with all the details because I’m a paranoid little shit and I think the person who this revolves around might read it. Despite my readership consisting mainly of myself. Whatever.

So this guy, this… guy. ugh. I can’t even think properly. We have a bit of a mixed relationship. When I first met him, I thought he was pretty interesting. Then the next few times I saw him, I was feeling so confused on how I feel about him. Do I think he’s a nice person? No? Is he annoying? Is he mean? I don’t know. Since then, either he has mellowed out or I have become used to him because now, I do genuinely like him, I think he’s great.

Until today obviously.

Do you know someone who makes you feel dumb? Or ugly? Or something else negative? That’s kind of how this guy made me feel today. Not dumb exactly, just not good enough even though I am trying my best.

Why am I so angry though? I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. I’m usually a really mellow, happy go lucky person. When I do get angry, I just talk myself out of it. He made me feel like shit.

I still feel like shit.

Do I have anger management problems? ughghhh. I don’t even know. There is clearly something wrong with me if I’m still stewing with anger. Is that a phrase?

I don’t know.

Carter

help: friends needed

Dear Ginny,

I’ve been thinking about making friends alot recently, probably because my colitis has settled down FAR more than it was last year. I’ve done alot of cool, new things and I’m always doing something. The colitis doesn’t hold me back so much.

In this past fortnight alone, I’ve gone to school after having breakfast (It’s the first time I’ve done that in almost 3 years) AND I went to school when my colitis was acting up. Little things, but huuuge leaps out of my comfort zone.

I want to have friends to have fun with. The problem is that I feel selfish knowing that my colitis will probably pop up and i can’t force that onto people, right? I can’t do that.

How do you guys make friends? In school? I don’t have any friends I speak to outside of lessons. The thing is, because I took a year off and joined back, I don’t really have any experience with this group of people. When I started back at school, last year, if I was like I am right now, a lot more confident and open and happier, I think I would’ve been alot better at integrating myself into these groups. Have I missed my chance?

Help, please.

Carter

it’s theatre, darlin

Dear Ginny,

I had an awesome day. Today, I watched my very first theatre show. How awesome, right? I was a little nervous, for several reasons:

  1. I was going alone.
  2. Theatre has a reputation for being for “rich people” (rightly so, some of those tickets were a RIDICULOUS amount) and I am definitely not a rich person.
  3. Colitis, colitis, colitis.

However, I was very, very excited for the following reasons:

 

  1. Theatre! I wanted the theatre experience.
  2. I admire Jesse Eisenberg’s work a lot and the chance to see it… I had to do it, okay?
  3. There was a limited offer at the time of me buying the tickets. I got the ticket ridiculously cheap (in a good way, thank the gods) (cheap for theatre tickets at least). That show was one of only a few shows with that awesome deal.

The only thing that worried me, just a tad, was the colitis. When I ordered the tickets, 2 weeks ago, my colitis had been really well-behaved for a fair bit of time. Also, my excitement was far more abundant than my worry. I reasoned that if I needed to poop, I’d just use the toilet. That’s what bathrooms are there for. And with the whole thing taking about 6 hours (travel time + I got there an hour and a half before to pick up my ticket), I would probably need to do my business. It turns out, I didn’t.

That’s right. Who didn’t poop for 6 straight hours? This person *waggles thumbs*

I don’t know what kind of spin I want to put on this post. Do I go on about how I’m so glad that my colitis isn’t holding me back? I sure as heck know I couldn’t have possibly done this last year. Or do I say how glad I am that I got to have this experience?

Both of those things are true. What I want to talk about is this: I have an image in my head of who I am, and who I want to be. Big things like what job I want and smaller things like what books I read. I love theatre* and I’d love the opportunity to be able to do this on the regular. That isn’t possible right now (said the not-rich person with a bowel disease) but it makes my heart warm knowing that I (the not-rich person with a bowel disease) did just go to watch a play and enjoyed every last minute of it.

One last note: when the play finished, the lights dimmed until you couldn’t see a thing and everyone clapped. Everyone was clapping in the darkness and it felt so magical.

Take care,

Carter

*what little I’ve been privy to. To be completely honest, I heard a lot of show tunes from Glee and that’s where I was first exposed to theatre. I don’t know the songs off by heart, I still haven’t watched Rent or Les Mis but I think of theatre fondly.

uGGh

Dear Ginny,

It’s wednesday today but I do have exciting news from the past week.

On thursday last week, I had lunch and – get this – then went outside for a lesson. Me! I actually ATE and THEN WENT OUTSIDE. I know that sounds ridiculous, and part of it is funny because it is ridiculous but I haven’t done that in about 2 years. Two things to keep in mind;

  1. I did go to the bathroom a good amount of time before I left for my lesson (to poop incase you don’t understand my brand of vague).
  2. It was only one one-hour lesson. Factoring in travel time, that’s ~2 hours. A relatively short time.

So no, I didn’t actually poop at school (that maybe would’ve been too much for me to handle). But this is crucial progress. It was a pretty big lunch too lol.

Second of all, some LOooOveeE. Or atleast, something vAGueLy sExuAl. In my school, the social gap between the years is pretty strict. Not enforced by anyone, but nobody wants to talk to someone in the year below and so when someone becomes friends with someone in a different year, everyone is weirded out. When someone is in a relationship with someone in a different year, it’s even stranger. Even stranger (not for any real reason, just because we’ve all been conditioned by society to think so) is when the girl is older. I know – scandalous.

Well, there’s this girl in the year above me (I used to be in that year and I know her pretty well) and she’s started going out with a boy in my year. I was a little freaked out at first but then I realised that there’s nothing wrong with that and I’m just being a little stupid. So that was okay.

So the second part is that, there’s this boy in my year. He’s cute, seems nice enough but honestly, he is way out of my league. So sometimes, I see him and it’s like all this sExuAl teNsiOn between us. Yesterday, I was in school, and I was walking down the stairs. It was lunch so it was pretty crowded. When I got to the bottom of said stairs, there was a gap so I slid in (not literally). Just then, the boy infront of me decided to stop and shout something to a friend on the other side of the crowd. I obviously stopped aswell, but guess who didn’t? The boy behind me. He pretty much walked into me, he was so close I could feel his entire body against me for a second. My initial reaction was “ugh wtf” but then he said sorry so I looked back and it was THE boy. I quickly mumbled a quick “it’s fine” and went on my way.

Several things to discuss here:

  1. Oh my god, am I exaggerating how important this is? I’m pretty sure I am. But you’ve been young before, you know how to get excited over every little interaction and dissect every single glance shared.
  2. There was a noticeable gap between when I stopped and when tHe BoY walked into me. This could be explained easily by “he wasn’t paying attention, it was an accident jesus chill out m8”). I didn’t actually realise this at first hahaha, but the other explanation is that he did it on purpose? maaaybe? Now, I recognize that that is absolutely crazy – “man, I am just gonna walk straight into her” but idk, maaaybe? I’m being ridiculous, oh my god, but STILL.
  3. When he said sorry, he was on my left. Although this is my better side, I think I may have looked ugly because of the angle. He was literally behind my left shoulder. And I didn’t turn fully to look at him, I basically peeked at him. Fuck. I’m going into hiding fuck, he’s just so nice. I’m so embarrassed.

Okay, I’m done.

From Carter.