do adults have crushes?

Dear Ginny,

The last time I wrote a blog post, it was about 2 weeks into my job. It’s now been about 2 months, almost three and while my feelings haven’t completely flip-flopped, i do feel a lot better about it. I know more about how to do my job, and I know more of the people I work with.

Recently, there’s been a big change and this has been fundamental to my growing attachment to my job. When I was hired, I was put in the smallest department – the kidswear. While the department you get put into seems to be kind of random, I have since realised that this department has a reputation for having the newest and unskilled workers. Definitely not everyone, but that’s the reputation it has.

And as of the 1st January, I am no longer in that department. Hip-hip-hooray. Even better news, instead leveling up to menswear, i’ve hit the jackpot by being transferred to ladieswear. This department is the biggest and busiest. I was very intimidated at first, but I’ve since come to the realisation that this is the reason I love working there. It’s so fast-paced, and exciting to be around. Another perk is that there are more cashiers in this department, which means I don’t feel quite so lonely.

*cough cough* this is where the title comes in. There’s a boy has the same job as me. He used to be in menswear but he was transferred to ladieswear at the same time as I was. Before this, I had only had a few interactions with him, and they were very work-based. Like, only if I had to speak to him. Tbh, I got the feeling that he didn’t like me very much even though I literally had only spoken to him only 2 or 3 times.

But being in ladieswear together, sometimes we have to solve problems together (it sounds like we’re in maths or something) or one of us will need help and the other will offer it. So, we spoke to each other. Not quite friendly, but civil, you know?

Last week, (it’s only been a week?!?) we both had to stay back to help and we were both a little tired and giggly and not really in the mood for working (we both had long shifts and it was late at night ok??) and we started… talking. You know what i’m talking about. You know. Talking. Flirting a little.

And since then, we still talk. Not a lot, because our job doesn’t exactly leave a lot of time to be talking, but we do talk. And every time he starts his shift and he sees me, he says hello to me specifically and it makes me feel happy and butterfly-y. You know.

BUT, pause, the reason why I’m typing up a blog post at 2.26am. Two days ago, when his shift finished, I was going on my break and I wanted to see him but also play it cool because we’re not actually that close really. So I thought I’d go get food from Pret and as I came out of the girls locker room, he was standing in the corridor talking to another girl, facing me. And as soon as he saw me, he got this expression. I can’t remember it exactly, but my instinct said they were talking about me. I don’t know. What they could’ve been talking about. This other girl – we’ll call her Jade – is alright, I don’t know her that well but we say hi to each other and she seems friendly. I didn’t even know they knew each other.

So anyway, I have to go past them to get to Pret and as I reach them, he – I’ll call him George – jokingly/seriously asks for a hug, raises his arms and then immediately drops them. I was so confused and this definitely showed on my face. I think I may have looked confused/disgusted. And then Jade burst out laughing. I left. And I didn’t seem him again. Why. Why why why. would he do that. Why did I react like that. Everything about this situation confuses me.

So I had yesterday off and today, I had been moved to another department to cover someone the whole day. So I didn’t get to talk to him. I saw him coming to work and going on his break etc but that’s not the same at all. We were both finishing at the same time so I WAITED for him, but like in a cool way. I tried to make it seem like we had just accidentally come out the same way. Eventually I gave up and started walking and then I realised he was actually behind me. So I slowed down and he just WALKED past. WALKED PAST. WALKED PAST ME. as if he hadn’t seen me.

So he either doesn’t care enough about me to walk with me, or he actually didn’t see me (unlikely) or he does like me and he’s embarrassed about that hug thing.

How am I supposed to proceed? The other tiny thing is that he is older than me and a fully fledged adult. Unlike the author of this post, who is only a baby adult. I have the same shift as him tomorrow and then next week, I’m covering for someone in a different department the whole week so I’m almost guaranteed to not be able to see or speak to him. A whole week.

Sigh.

Love, Carter.

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r u free this sat? xx

Image result for pierrot le fou

Dear Ginny,

I’m not really keeping up with what I post on this blog but I had one friend, and I’ve slowly been coming to the realisation that I don’t want to be this person’s friend. It’s not as terrible as it sounds but it’s just because we are too different, and it did get a bit weird (and never fully recovered, even as hard as I tried) after they told me they liked me. Romantically. Yeah.

Thing is, I want to go out! Not even to a club or anything slightly teenagery. I want to watch Pierrot Le Fou this Saturday (5th August), the BFI are showing it and they do £3 tickets for under 25s. And I don’t want to go with this friend who is not really a friend. Anyone in London, under-25 and want to go out? If the ticks aren’t available, we could walk around if you want? i’m poor but maybe we could find a cheap drink? idk. this is a bit weird, isn’t it? I don’t get very many views so this is definitely exactly like talking to an empty room.

I wish I could take either of my siblings but they don’t like french films and I don’t think they like me enough to go with me anyway.

Hope you’re watching more films than I am,

Love from Carter

P.S I just attached a picture because apparently that makes your blog look more professional and I’m hoping more people read this. Or any people at all.

fuck me, this is a lot of work

Dear Ginny,

Where haas the time gone? Obviously quite a lot of things have happened but there’s two I want to discuss bc they are more important to me.

My closest friend, who I discussed quite a few personal things with, told me she liked me. I do not like her romantically and i let her know as gently as possible. It didn’t go well, we are no longer friends. But it has made me think of how I think of girls more, especially as a (cis) girl who, i guess, identifies as bi-curious. I think of girls sexually. As embarrassing and as perverted as it sounds, girls do turn me on. So do boys. I feel as though the amount of boys that turn me on is waay lower than the amount of girls. But on the other end, the romantic end, i think of boys more in a romantic way. To be clear, I hardly ever get romantic crushes but when they do happen, they almost always tend to be with a guy.

There are obviously alot of other things going on. My therapist has noted quite a few times that I shut people off so that they can’t disappoint me (what a cliche) and my first and only relationship was 6 years ago and ended when he cheated on me. Also my parents are separated and do not get along at all.

So now what? Am i bi? No? What about the way I feel about girls? Do I think about guys more, in a romantic sense bc of the “heternormative society”? Am I stopping myself from falling for a girl bc of my own hangups about being potentially bi? In the interest of being 100% honest, sometimes I do completely embrace being bi (as bi as a closeted person can be) and sometimes I feel so ASHAMED of myself. Note: my family is lovely but being gay is very much taboo and frowned upon in my culture.

I want to kiss girls and boys. I read this story once, a coming out story, about this girl who realised properly that she was gay when a girl kissed her. I keep thinking the same will happen to me. Maybe I need to kiss people to figure this out.

HELP.

Carter

five, four…

Dear Ginny,

I don’t think I’ve told you this yet but I’m a media studies student. Right now, we’re making a music video as part of a group and I’ve gently nudged my group into doing my choice of song – Leon Bridges’ Better Man. I am the director and I’m honestly so excited about this.

Today was the first day of filming and there were a few hiccups (a few of our actors kept being obnoxiously loud in the public area that was our location and my co-director turned up two hours late high as a kite) but we got some really good footage. This time around with our group project, I was being very specific about how I wanted the video to look. (I’m the only actual director).

I don’t know why I’m writing this lol but I feel pretty proud of myself for managing to do some good work in all of that chaos.

I really like directing. There’s a little part of me that wants to be a director or something to do with movies but how do you break into something like that? Especially when it seems like you’ve kind of missed that stage of your life when you should’ve been setting yourself up for your career?

As always, any help or discussion would be appreciated. In the meantime, I’m going to continue feeling good about that minute or so of footage we shot today and concentrate on this extra awesome music video that I’m going to direct. đŸ™‚

Carter

 

i am seething in anger

Dear Ginny,

The title says it all really. I am so, so angry. The incident happened hours (and a lengthy nap) ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m not going to hash it out with all the details because I’m a paranoid little shit and I think the person who this revolves around might read it. Despite my readership consisting mainly of myself. Whatever.

So this guy, this… guy. ugh. I can’t even think properly. We have a bit of a mixed relationship. When I first met him, I thought he was pretty interesting. Then the next few times I saw him, I was feeling so confused on how I feel about him. Do I think he’s a nice person? No? Is he annoying? Is he mean? I don’t know. Since then, either he has mellowed out or I have become used to him because now, I do genuinely like him, I think he’s great.

Until today obviously.

Do you know someone who makes you feel dumb? Or ugly? Or something else negative? That’s kind of how this guy made me feel today. Not dumb exactly, just not good enough even though I am trying my best.

Why am I so angry though? I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. I’m usually a really mellow, happy go lucky person. When I do get angry, I just talk myself out of it. He made me feel like shit.

I still feel like shit.

Do I have anger management problems? ughghhh. I don’t even know. There is clearly something wrong with me if I’m still stewing with anger. Is that a phrase?

I don’t know.

Carter

help: friends needed

Dear Ginny,

I’ve been thinking about making friends alot recently, probably because my colitis has settled down FAR more than it was last year. I’ve done alot of cool, new things and I’m always doing something. The colitis doesn’t hold me back so much.

In this past fortnight alone, I’ve gone to school after having breakfast (It’s the first time I’ve done that in almost 3 years) AND I went to school when my colitis was acting up. Little things, but huuuge leaps out of my comfort zone.

I want to have friends to have fun with. The problem is that I feel selfish knowing that my colitis will probably pop up and i can’t force that onto people, right? I can’t do that.

How do you guys make friends? In school? I don’t have any friends I speak to outside of lessons. The thing is, because I took a year off and joined back, I don’t really have any experience with this group of people. When I started back at school, last year, if I was like I am right now, a lot more confident and open and happier, I think I would’ve been alot better at integrating myself into these groups. Have I missed my chance?

Help, please.

Carter

it’s theatre, darlin

Dear Ginny,

I had an awesome day. Today, I watched my very first theatre show. How awesome, right? I was a little nervous, for several reasons:

  1. I was going alone.
  2. Theatre has a reputation for being for “rich people” (rightly so, some of those tickets were a RIDICULOUS amount) and I am definitely not a rich person.
  3. Colitis, colitis, colitis.

However, I was very, very excited for the following reasons:

 

  1. Theatre! I wanted the theatre experience.
  2. I admire Jesse Eisenberg’s work a lot and the chance to see it… I had to do it, okay?
  3. There was a limited offer at the time of me buying the tickets. I got the ticket ridiculously cheap (in a good way, thank the gods) (cheap for theatre tickets at least). That show was one of only a few shows with that awesome deal.

The only thing that worried me, just a tad, was the colitis. When I ordered the tickets, 2 weeks ago, my colitis had been really well-behaved for a fair bit of time. Also, my excitement was far more abundant than my worry. I reasoned that if I needed to poop, I’d just use the toilet. That’s what bathrooms are there for. And with the whole thing taking about 6 hours (travel time + I got there an hour and a half before to pick up my ticket), I would probably need to do my business. It turns out, I didn’t.

That’s right. Who didn’t poop for 6 straight hours? This person *waggles thumbs*

I don’t know what kind of spin I want to put on this post. Do I go on about how I’m so glad that my colitis isn’t holding me back? I sure as heck know I couldn’t have possibly done this last year. Or do I say how glad I am that I got to have this experience?

Both of those things are true. What I want to talk about is this: I have an image in my head of who I am, and who I want to be. Big things like what job I want and smaller things like what books I read. I love theatre* and I’d love the opportunity to be able to do this on the regular. That isn’t possible right now (said the not-rich person with a bowel disease) but it makes my heart warm knowing that I (the not-rich person with a bowel disease) did just go to watch a play and enjoyed every last minute of it.

One last note: when the play finished, the lights dimmed until you couldn’t see a thing and everyone clapped. Everyone was clapping in the darkness and it felt so magical.

Take care,

Carter

*what little I’ve been privy to. To be completely honest, I heard a lot of show tunes from Glee and that’s where I was first exposed to theatre. I don’t know the songs off by heart, I still haven’t watched Rent or Les Mis but I think of theatre fondly.