do adults have crushes?

Dear Ginny,

The last time I wrote a blog post, it was about 2 weeks into my job. It’s now been about 2 months, almost three and while my feelings haven’t completely flip-flopped, i do feel a lot better about it. I know more about how to do my job, and I know more of the people I work with.

Recently, there’s been a big change and this has been fundamental to my growing attachment to my job. When I was hired, I was put in the smallest department – the kidswear. While the department you get put into seems to be kind of random, I have since realised that this department has a reputation for having the newest and unskilled workers. Definitely not everyone, but that’s the reputation it has.

And as of the 1st January, I am no longer in that department. Hip-hip-hooray. Even better news, instead leveling up to menswear, i’ve hit the jackpot by being transferred to ladieswear. This department is the biggest and busiest. I was very intimidated at first, but I’ve since come to the realisation that this is the reason I love working there. It’s so fast-paced, and exciting to be around. Another perk is that there are more cashiers in this department, which means I don’t feel quite so lonely.

*cough cough* this is where the title comes in. There’s a boy has the same job as me. He used to be in menswear but he was transferred to ladieswear at the same time as I was. Before this, I had only had a few interactions with him, and they were very work-based. Like, only if I had to speak to him. Tbh, I got the feeling that he didn’t like me very much even though I literally had only spoken to him only 2 or 3 times.

But being in ladieswear together, sometimes we have to solve problems together (it sounds like we’re in maths or something) or one of us will need help and the other will offer it. So, we spoke to each other. Not quite friendly, but civil, you know?

Last week, (it’s only been a week?!?) we both had to stay back to help and we were both a little tired and giggly and not really in the mood for working (we both had long shifts and it was late at night ok??) and we started… talking. You know what i’m talking about. You know. Talking. Flirting a little.

And since then, we still talk. Not a lot, because our job doesn’t exactly leave a lot of time to be talking, but we do talk. And every time he starts his shift and he sees me, he says hello to me specifically and it makes me feel happy and butterfly-y. You know.

BUT, pause, the reason why I’m typing up a blog post at 2.26am. Two days ago, when his shift finished, I was going on my break and I wanted to see him but also play it cool because we’re not actually that close really. So I thought I’d go get food from Pret and as I came out of the girls locker room, he was standing in the corridor talking to another girl, facing me. And as soon as he saw me, he got this expression. I can’t remember it exactly, but my instinct said they were talking about me. I don’t know. What they could’ve been talking about. This other girl – we’ll call her Jade – is alright, I don’t know her that well but we say hi to each other and she seems friendly. I didn’t even know they knew each other.

So anyway, I have to go past them to get to Pret and as I reach them, he – I’ll call him George – jokingly/seriously asks for a hug, raises his arms and then immediately drops them. I was so confused and this definitely showed on my face. I think I may have looked confused/disgusted. And then Jade burst out laughing. I left. And I didn’t seem him again. Why. Why why why. would he do that. Why did I react like that. Everything about this situation confuses me.

So I had yesterday off and today, I had been moved to another department to cover someone the whole day. So I didn’t get to talk to him. I saw him coming to work and going on his break etc but that’s not the same at all. We were both finishing at the same time so I WAITED for him, but like in a cool way. I tried to make it seem like we had just accidentally come out the same way. Eventually I gave up and started walking and then I realised he was actually behind me. So I slowed down and he just WALKED past. WALKED PAST. WALKED PAST ME. as if he hadn’t seen me.

So he either doesn’t care enough about me to walk with me, or he actually didn’t see me (unlikely) or he does like me and he’s embarrassed about that hug thing.

How am I supposed to proceed? The other tiny thing is that he is older than me and a fully fledged adult. Unlike the author of this post, who is only a baby adult. I have the same shift as him tomorrow and then next week, I’m covering for someone in a different department the whole week so I’m almost guaranteed to not be able to see or speak to him. A whole week.

Sigh.

Love, Carter.

Advertisements

Dear Ginny,

As you might know, I finished high school a couple of months ago and have been lazing around since then (well, not really but I definitely don’t have anything to show for those months).

Well, I got a job. It’s slightly less than full-time, but a decent job. It pays quite well, by which I mean above minimum wage, and the job is mainly basic.

It sucks. I hate it. I hate it so much.

I got no training. They believe in “training on the job”. It’s ridiculous. There is nobody overlooking how I’m doing, if I know everything I need to. If a customer wants something a little more complicated, I’ll ask someone else and most times, they’ll just take over and do it because it’s always busy in the store. And this means I have no clue how to do some things. It’s kinda humiliating and some of the people are really mean.

I just can’t get over that this is my life. Working for hours and waiting for the minute I can go home and then being way too tired to do anything. It feels like I’ve jumped into something I can’t quite handle. Adult life. It sucks lol.

Love from Carter

feeling a little lost ngl

Image result for mr bean holiday

Dear Ginny,

As the title suggests, i’m lost. In life. I finished high school 2 months ago, now? What do I do? I know what I want to do. I know what I can’t.

But this post is actually about something a little smaller. A lot smaller actually. I want to watch films. This is a definite thing, I definitely want to be a (even bigger) serious film nerd. My media teacher had suggested that I make a blog, reviewing films because I had reviewed a film on this other website. So I finally took her advice and went to make a blog.

I went on wordpress first, because I like the layout and design better than blogspot. I thought I knew what url i wanted but it was taken – (isn’t that always the case?), so I tried a bunch of other urls, some of which were available but it didn’t feel right, you know? It didn’t feel like /me/.

I don’t know if my viewership (consisting currently of one person who I assumed wandered onto my blog by accident) has watched Girlboss, a netflix show about NastyGal creator Sophia Amoruso but she had a similar problem. She spent absolute ages trying to figure out something that clicked for her. She even settled for something else before she found /the one/.

I need to find my /the one/ and then you, my one-person audience, can take a look at the best side of me – in comparison to this blog, which would definitely be the worst side of me. 🙂

Catch you l8r, alligator

Carter

r u free this sat? xx

Image result for pierrot le fou

Dear Ginny,

I’m not really keeping up with what I post on this blog but I had one friend, and I’ve slowly been coming to the realisation that I don’t want to be this person’s friend. It’s not as terrible as it sounds but it’s just because we are too different, and it did get a bit weird (and never fully recovered, even as hard as I tried) after they told me they liked me. Romantically. Yeah.

Thing is, I want to go out! Not even to a club or anything slightly teenagery. I want to watch Pierrot Le Fou this Saturday (5th August), the BFI are showing it and they do £3 tickets for under 25s. And I don’t want to go with this friend who is not really a friend. Anyone in London, under-25 and want to go out? If the ticks aren’t available, we could walk around if you want? i’m poor but maybe we could find a cheap drink? idk. this is a bit weird, isn’t it? I don’t get very many views so this is definitely exactly like talking to an empty room.

I wish I could take either of my siblings but they don’t like french films and I don’t think they like me enough to go with me anyway.

Hope you’re watching more films than I am,

Love from Carter

P.S I just attached a picture because apparently that makes your blog look more professional and I’m hoping more people read this. Or any people at all.

second adult milestone, hip hip

Dear Ginny,

The first adult milestone is obviously becoming an adult. That’s done (I turned 18 an unspecified number of years ago).

Second is graduating high school! I know most people finish high school before they become adults but I did not, because of the UC (we’ve discussed this before, keep up).

I feel strange. My last exam was yesterday at which point I am officially released lol. So I’ve had some time to deal with it but also, not really, it’s only been a day. Yesterday, after my exam, I was sitting in my room, listening to music and relaxing. I didn’t really have anything to do. But then I went to check my emails, and I had an email from myself!

I haven’t discussed this on the blog before, but I use this website called FutureMe.org. It’s really simple to use (you guys should definitely use it) and the idea is that you can send an email to yourself in the future. Even 50 years in the future.

So I had this email, and the first line was “DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! YOU’RE DONE!” and I started crying! And at that moment, Simple Song by The Shins started playing and this song always reminds me of the season 8 finale episode of HIMYM, when everybody is reaching a different stage of their lives. And I BAWLED. LIKE A BABY.

I just can’t quite believe I’m in the position, that I’m actually done. I don’t know what to do. And all this freedom is so exciting, all this potential. But it’s also daunting, isn’t it?

I hope you have more purpose in life than I do lol.

Lots of love,

Carter

fuck me, this is a lot of work

Dear Ginny,

Where haas the time gone? Obviously quite a lot of things have happened but there’s two I want to discuss bc they are more important to me.

My closest friend, who I discussed quite a few personal things with, told me she liked me. I do not like her romantically and i let her know as gently as possible. It didn’t go well, we are no longer friends. But it has made me think of how I think of girls more, especially as a (cis) girl who, i guess, identifies as bi-curious. I think of girls sexually. As embarrassing and as perverted as it sounds, girls do turn me on. So do boys. I feel as though the amount of boys that turn me on is waay lower than the amount of girls. But on the other end, the romantic end, i think of boys more in a romantic way. To be clear, I hardly ever get romantic crushes but when they do happen, they almost always tend to be with a guy.

There are obviously alot of other things going on. My therapist has noted quite a few times that I shut people off so that they can’t disappoint me (what a cliche) and my first and only relationship was 6 years ago and ended when he cheated on me. Also my parents are separated and do not get along at all.

So now what? Am i bi? No? What about the way I feel about girls? Do I think about guys more, in a romantic sense bc of the “heternormative society”? Am I stopping myself from falling for a girl bc of my own hangups about being potentially bi? In the interest of being 100% honest, sometimes I do completely embrace being bi (as bi as a closeted person can be) and sometimes I feel so ASHAMED of myself. Note: my family is lovely but being gay is very much taboo and frowned upon in my culture.

I want to kiss girls and boys. I read this story once, a coming out story, about this girl who realised properly that she was gay when a girl kissed her. I keep thinking the same will happen to me. Maybe I need to kiss people to figure this out.

HELP.

Carter

c’mon marianne

Dear Ginny,

Well, it happened. The event that I’ve been looking forward to for /months/ finally came and it was every bit of perfection I had imagined it to be (even exceeding my expectations, to be perfectly honest).

I finally went to watch Jersey Boys! I do live in London so this was the West End version and oh, it was so good. I had been wanting to watch it since summer when I chose to watch The Spoils instead of Jersey Boys (stupid choice, hindsight’s 20/20). It was kind of an impulsive decision to buy the tickets too which makes it even more fun. I just didn’t want to wait any longer, especially because Jersey Boys is closing next year (boooo!).

This was my first time watching a musical live ever, and like with The Spoils, I went alone. The Piccadilly Theatre is so beautiful. The highlight, obviously, was the show. The day I went – the 12th of November – Dayle Hodge was playing Frankie Valli (there’s two understudies for Frankie and I think they take turns to do the Saturday matinee). His voice is /crazy/ good. Especially when coupled with Matt Hunt’s voice who plays Nick Massi. The other two Jersey Boys: Simon Bailey who plays a solid Tommy Devito and Declan Egan who is possibly my favourite Jersey Boy as Bob Gaudio.

The songs themselves ranged from more well-known songs like Sherry and December ’63 to songs that I hadn’t personally heard prior. What’s pretty cool is that they perform the songs during the events that inspired it. One of my favourite musical bits in the show is when the boys first sing together as a group, very casually just to test how they sound. Spoiler – they sound so beautiful.

The plot didn’t shy away from the tougher stuff like Tommy’s money issues or Frankie’s relationships breaking down. Even so, by the end of the musical, it was like a party in the theatre. I was thinking about it yesterday and I hadn’t realised this at the time – the fact that I felt included in this party and this environment despite me sitting alone in the second last row of the theatre. That’s not an easy thing to accomplish and I’d like to thank everybody that works on Jersey Boys for that.

I don’t know if this is typical of all West End musicals but I was very nicely surprised by all the little details and how in sync everything was. The way the boys would dance when they were singing and the rest of the company being so perfect with their movements. The lighting and the backdrop too. I think my all-time favourite moment is when the boys turn around and they use the backdrop to make it seem like we, the audience, are actually behind them on a stage. Like they’re on a stage performing to an audience on the other side. I’m hoping to get in a few more performances before Jersey Boys ends its run and I’d highly recommend you do the same 🙂

Carter

P.S at the end, when they pose in that signature Jersey Boys pose, it looked like Dayle Hodge was actually pointing at me! 😮 I know this is very unlikely because I must’ve been a little dot to him and that’s if he could see me at all lol but I thought that was a pretty special moment.